Purpur

Reach out and touch

2011-12-02T14:50:00.001+01:00

I am always reminded of one particular moment in my past when listening to this song: we are in your car, returning from somewhere, talking, listening to my tapes. Today the memory makes me very sad. You are gone for ever. How knew, at the time, that your time on Earth would be so short? If we had known, what would have been different? I am not so good with words and cannot describe my feelings, but I know I am sad for you. My passing love.

Miris davnih dana

2011-05-05T14:37:00.000+02:00

Gledala sam „Ledu“. Ništa posebno, no Krleža me vratio u intenzivne dane mladosti kada sam gutala i živjela njegove drame i knjige. Na povratku, preplavili me mirisi proljeća. Posebni, neponovljivi mirisi koje nitko nije uspio zatvoriti u bočicu i prodavati. Da jest, ja bih bila najvjerniji kupac. To su mirisi koji me vraćaju u daleku prošlost, oživljavaju je kao da je sadašnjost i zbog kojih opet osjećam topli vjetar na licu i kosi, nadu u zraku, očekivanje onoga što se tek treba dogoditi. Jesu li ti mirisni, proljetni dani TO? Najvažnije i najljepše u nekom sasvim zasebnom i osobnom dijelu moje duše, života i sjećanja?

Kuća pored mora

2011-02-11T13:29:00.000+01:00

Odjednom sve navire: godine, osjećaji, prolaznost, nikada više ....... Hodam, kao u transu, poznatim, a opet stranim predjelom. Lice mi je mokro i na trenutke ridam. Previše osjećaja. Kasnije, osjećam se loše, danima. Nekada, nakon plakanja, sve mi se činilo barem malo bolje. Sada, ništa nije bolje. Osjećaj gorčine, nedovršenosti i teške tuge ostaje u meni. Trebala bih izbjegavati ovakva uzbuđenja, no ovo je bilo i potrebno i očekivano. Već godinama sanjam da se vratim ovdje, da ponovno sve vidim i obiđem. A to je „sve“ prošlo, otišlo kao plimom odneseno. Čekam da isti plimni val nepostojanja preplavi i mene.

Your birthday

2011-01-24T23:55:00.000+01:00

Suddenly I thought: it is your birthday today! It is late, near midnight, the day almost gone. I feel nothing. For quite some time I feel nothing whenever I think of you. I do not feel sad or disappointed, angry or full of pain. My feelings for you are gone. Completely. Finally.

Težak san

2010-12-02T20:57:00.002+01:00

Nikada ranije nisam te sanjala. Ovaj san, pun očekivanja, ostavio mi je gorčinu u ustima i tjeskobu. Tražila sam te i htjela s tobom pričati. Tvoj muž mi je stalno objašnjavao zašto baš sada nisi tu. Negdje si drugdje, nema te, zauzeta si. San se stalno ponavljao u dijelu mojeg traženja da te vidim, nade da ću te vidjeti, i njegovog nezadovoljavajućeg odgovora. Cijelo vrijeme osjećala sam da si tu negdje, blizu, samo još nisi došla, ne vidim te. Doći ćeš i pričati ćemo kao nekada ranije. Smijati ćemo se, gledati ću tvoje nježne i gipke prste kako lagano i brzo klize tipkama i gumbima harmonike. Probudila sam se s bljeskom ugode i zadovoljstva. A onda, na hladnom jutarnjem svjetlu sve je nestalo i opet postalo isto. Nikada više neću pričati i smijati se s tobom. Otišla si u nepovrat tako davno. Dani djetinjstva ostali su samo moji i nemam ih s kime dijeliti.

So long ago

2010-11-27T01:55:00.002+01:00

Slowly, slowly the snow

White and wet 

Small hours of this memorable night
set 

So long ago

So long ago

Zaboravljam/ I forget

2010-09-16T12:46:00.001+02:00

Kako li je plaha moja mržnja.
Kako li zaboravljam svoj 

zaborav.

Samo na blijedo lice onoga
Prije kad pomislim.

Wind of change

2010-07-26T10:23:00.000+02:00

There are nights that I spend worrying. I fret and turn and nothing helps. This is the period of my life that I rally do not like. Future is so uncertain and I am not young any more to embrace this uncertainty. When you are very young, you never think, actively think, that one day you are going to be old or older. There is no time for such thoughts, you are too busy with everyday life. Which is good. Now I do not wish to think about future because it is not going to be nice. And that is not good or rational, I know. When I do think about it, then I spend sleepless nights and hazy days follow. Which is not good either. What is the best way to look positively into the future? Real future that, somehow, I dread? Is there the best way or just the best way to avoid pain and unhappiness in advance? I do not want platitudes, but what is there to put me at ease? Maybe I am not able to see the obvious and maybe there is really nothing to be seen. In short: I am afraid, for the first time, of the future.

Nekako s proljeća

2010-06-10T01:33:00.000+02:00

Jasmin

2010-06-05T01:24:00.002+02:00

Julijana gave me this jasmine bush as a present some 20?? years ago. I think. Julijana was a work colleague, a WW2 orphan from Kozara, small, intense woman who befriended me from the first day I met her. We never talked about ordinary or everyday things. We talked philosophy, sociology, history. Grand themes and ideas. But she liked to laugh and little indents showed in her plump cheeks when she did so. She was a strange friend. In 1995 she died. She had cancer. I called her from the seaside, where I had been spending my summer holidays, and her husband told me that she was really bad. A week later she was dead. I do not visit her grave because I do not know where it is. I tried to contact her husband so he could show it to me, but it was futile. And I decided that it really didn't matter. She lives, oh so vividly, in my yard, every spring, when the beautiful, fragrant jasmine blooms. I stand by it and talk to her: Juliška, Juliška moja!

Spring like before

2010-04-14T12:44:00.000+02:00

Today, walking through the park near my  former high school I suddenly realized that this is the April day like  it used to be a long time ago. We had a very long and cold winter and  everybody is fed up with cold, so we bitch about cold and rainy spring.  But we are wrong about it being  unusually cold, cloudy and rainy. With  unbelievable clarity I remember the exact same weather  many, many Aprils ago. Partly cloudy days, with  sudden rain storms or sunshine bouts. Rather cold. Last few years we  got used to really worm weather in early spring and said it was unusual,  too warm, not good. Now, we are not happy with this perfectly normal  spring weather. Because of that, until today, I have almost missed the  beauty of the vividly green, tender, young tree leaves, of the modest  spring flowers and merry bird cacophony . Around my house birds are  singing like crazy from the sunrise to the sunset. And I love the fresh,  earthy smell of the air. Spring, just like it used to be, is here! 

An insult

2010-04-10T02:15:00.001+02:00

Long time ago, in a hired limousine, on my way to the airport, a man insulted me. At the time, I did not understand it. I did not care. I was in love with him. Today I see him very clearly, but then I was on the verge of leaving everything behind me to be with him. And I do mean everything. Today I loathe him like I ought loathed him then. Today I see very clearly that he was not worthy. I still remember, oh so vividly, how I laid , naked, and fetus like, on the floor of my bedroom , crying like never before. Oh, how silly and stupid and over felt of me. And for that, I hold him responsible: for making me so silly and übersspant!

Proljeće koje blista/ Spring that sparkles

2010-03-30T11:12:00.000+02:00

Moje želje, visoka su trava:
Dosegnuvši vrhunac, pokošene su.
Da bi ozelenjele s novog proljeća.

Painting by Blake Flynn

Six degrees of separation in practice

2010-03-23T14:41:00.002+01:00

A long time ago I noticed that, very often, when I met someone for the first time, I found out that they knew someone I already knew. Usually, we said: such a small world. But lately, I know people who know some other people who know me and they all live in different parts of the world. Indeed, the world is small, but in a much bigger sense. Just yesterday a friend told me about somebody’s teenager that, apparently, committed suicide (jumped from the third floor). As we talked about it, she mentioned the family’s last name and I recognized it: I had met the unfortunate mother few years ago. I had had no idea that my friend knew her as well. This is only the newest example, and I could go on and on about many more. So, are we really only six people removed from somebody else? Is it possible? And how so?

Painting by Helen Davidson

For you, Renee

2010-03-16T01:45:00.002+01:00

A bubble bath

2010-03-08T11:48:00.000+01:00

When I think about what I like the most, few things come to my mind: reading a good book, drinking good coffee, listening to music and taking a long bubble bath. Yes, a bubble bath. In it, I only do not drink coffee, but I certainly read and listen to music. Triple pleasure. It started when children were young and exhausting and I hadn’t any time for myself at all. Well, taking a bath was a legitimate “alone” time and I used it asoften as possible and permissible. Nevertheless, when children grew older, they stopped caring for my bath retreat and just came barging in with their demands, problems, stories, complaints. Luckily, these times are gone as well and I can enjoy my bath again to my heart’s content. Also, when I feel down, I head straight for the bathroom, light all lights and open all the faucets. Light, sound of water, green of my bathroom plants – all that makes me infinitely better at once. And then, when I put Fenjal oil bath into the water, I feel whole again. I grant you, Fenjal does not bubble, but its smell is divine and reminds me of my youth and many other wonderful things.

Painting by Vincent Fantauzzo

Crying in my dreams

2010-02-25T11:43:00.000+01:00

I read somewhere that when you dream that you are crying, you actually are crying and not only dreaming about it. Well, last morning I dreamt that I cried. The occasion? I found myself at the entrance of the white building which turned out to be the National Gallery of Art in D.C. My favourite place which, long time ago, I used to visit almost every week. I know perfectly well why I was crying in my dream, and it certainly had nothing to do with the Gallery, but I still wander how I managed to connect a picture with the feeling of sadness and loss. Ways of our mind are truly mysterious. 

Zanosi/ Notions

2010-02-19T01:18:00.000+01:00

Zanosi su lude ptice nepovjerenja. A kada umiru, gasnu kao ljetna kap u oku.

Painting by Trisha Lambi

My sister, myself

2010-02-16T08:33:00.005+01:00

I have a younger sister, yet I am an only child. She is much younger and has never, ever behaved like a sister to me. Of, course, I had been very jealous of her for some 20 years.Then, I simply stopped because, finally and painfully, I realised that my parents are going to favour her no matter what. I was powerless and could do nothing about it. So I had decided that I should do with the love I have inmy family. Since then, I feel better , but there are still times and occasions which throw me back to feeling stupid, betrayed and angry. Angry at myself. Few years ago I realised that my sister thought that she was my parents’ pet because of her wonderful or exceptional personality. She expected the world to behave so : everybody should, if not love her, at least like her enough to do as she desires. I was stupefied. I was surprised and couldn’t believe that a mature person can entertain such ridiculous notions. Stupid me. When she got seriously sick, I was shocked; I even made some private wows of which I am not sure I can keep up. I cried for months. I didn’t want to lose her. I still don’t. She doesn’t like me, she is jealous of me (I cannot fathom why, but jealousy is not a rational feeling, they say), she is mean to me…………..We may not see each other or speak to each other, but I still love her. I am in a bind, in a place I do not like to be. Nothing is simple and love does not “overcome it all”. 

Travelog, February '10

2010-02-12T11:51:00.000+01:00

Once, a lifetime ago, you said about my weekly train journeys: "Oh, how romantic!". I had never, until you said it, considered them romantic. But, maybe they are, if someone is waiting for you at the other end. Usually, nobody is, not any more, not for a long time. Usually, I just sit in the train, drink my coffee, listen to my walkman and, maybe, read a book. More and more I just look out of the window at the well known landscape. This is the same rout I have been taking for more than 30 years. I should know every single house, tree or road by the tracks, but, surprisingly, I do not. Not really. Traveling has always, and still is, been an emotion, escape of sorts, being nowhere in particular. Very often, an anticipation. This rout witnessed many of my feelings (tears even): betrayal, love, happiness, sadness, hopelessness.

Painting by J.M.W. Turner

Moderato Cantabile

2010-02-06T21:21:00.009+01:00

Rijeka donosi jesen

dugo umire grad

i u nama toliko ljeta

mi smo siročad svijeta

Reci dali ćeš noćas

moći ostavit sve

svoju kuću

navike ljude

i poći a neznati gdje

Neka svi mržnjom isprate nas

ali draga život čeka

sad je čas

čitav svijet

biće tvoj novi dom

neka kažu avantura je to

Nikad žaliti nećeš

svoje stvari ime i grad

i u hladnoj sobi hotela

bićes slobodna sad

Neka svi mržnjom isprate nas

ali draga život čeka

sad je čas

čitav svijet

biće tvoj novi dom

neka kažu avantura je to

Duga očajna kiša

magla zastire grad

nekim putem

tijesno kroz jesen

nas će odvesti vlak

Hôtel du Lac

2010-01-31T01:34:00.002+01:00

Tišina. Osjećaj da si mi na dohvat ruke. A opet ...
Ista samoća već danima.
Čemu odlasci kada ipak ostajem s tobom?

Simple things that make me happy

2010-01-28T22:27:00.001+01:00

Christina of Soul Aperture is hosting Simple things She and her family offered to donate $1 to Doctors Without Borders in Haiti for every blogger who writes the Simple Things post today. This is a simple way to remember that it's the simple things in life that matter most and by posting about them help people in Haiti, which is simply great.

Aquarius

2010-01-28T05:58:00.002+01:00

Aquarius The Water Bearer

January 20 to February 19 

Aquarius is a Fixed sign and is ruled by  

Uranus

Positive Aspects:
Friendly and humanitarian
Honest and loyal
Original and inventive
Independent and intellectual 

Negative Aspects:
Intractable and contrary
Perverse and unpredictable
Unemotional and detached 

Lost birthdays

2010-01-26T20:31:00.002+01:00

Today, my school friend would have a birthday. I always remember, although he died so long ago. Whenever I think of him, I think of one early morning before the school and how I ran through dewy grass to have breakfast with him and his sister (my parents were away). I think of him throwing chocolate bon-bons at my window in hope to see me and win me over with his offer. I was asleep and knew nothing. We remained friends. I was at his wedding. Our young families and children visited each other. He died and left a very small son and a wife who died few years later. A lifetime ago. Each birthday I feel his mother's pain. I feel sad and full of memories. My friend, I remember you. Zdravo, prijatelju.

Whiter shade of pale

2010-01-24T02:48:00.000+01:00

Ni ovdje, ni tamo/ Not here, not there

2010-01-20T02:43:00.002+01:00

Putovati vlakom, prvom klasom, kroz magloviti, jesenji, jutarnji pejzaž, dobar je i poznat mi ugođaj. To je vrijeme za koje znam da je samo moje, trenutak u kojem sam ništa: samo ja, bez etiketa majke, kćeri, supruge, sestre, prijateljice......Divan je to osjećaj nedostupnosti, samoće, vremena koje kao da je zastalo. Putovanja su uvijek za mene bila upravo to: vrijeme u kojem mogu biti tko želim, sama, sve mogućnosti otvorene. Ni ovdje, ni tamo. Iz istog razloga volim aerodrome: nikoga ne poznajem i nitko me ne poznaje. Susrećemo se samo sada, u malom djeliću neponovljivosti. Nikada, nikada neću ponovno vidjeti lica koja me okružuju. To je utješno. Volim se izgubiti u nepoznatoj masi, biti sasvim anonimna i imati slobodu biti ja kakva želim biti baš u tom trenutku.

Čekajući zeleno/ Waiting for green

2010-01-16T22:56:00.003+01:00

Hodam Zrinjevcem prema Trgu, čekam zeleno. Iza mene šepajući hoda još jedna spodoba prošlosti s kojom odavno ne razgovaram. Možda me njegovo prisutnost ponukala da se sjetim tebe, iako si ti iz neke sasvim druge priče. Danas iz nikakve priče jer te više nema. Ne znam, teško mi je zamisliti da te nema i da nema nikakve vjerojatnosti da se više ikada vidimo. A jednom, pogled na tebe, susret s tobom, značio mi je sve. Kako je to bilo davno! Tako davno da mi se čini da to i nisam bila ja. Ona zaljubljena žena koja je čekala tvoje korake na zamračenom stepeništu, čije je srce udaralo kao da će izletjeti, u mračnom hodniku stana.
Više nikada, ni ti, ni on.

Susreti/ Encounters

2010-01-12T21:31:00.003+01:00

 

Susreti. Pokreti ruku; treptaji očiju; micanje usana.
Susreti: dragi, topli, ružni.
Puni ljubavi, možda sjećanja, možda boli.
Dodiri prstiju, usana.
Igra riječi, zjenica.
Susreti naši svagdašnji.

Love is blue

2010-01-04T00:36:00.002+01:00

The last

2009-12-31T23:52:00.002+01:00

You've been the love of my life for so long, but not any more, not for quite some time. Maybe I should be sad, but, at the most, I feel relieved. Empty, but relieved. At this lonely moment I think of someone else who is gone really forever. Who knew that he would stay on this Earth only for a briefe time? When I think of the things we did together, I feel pain and sadness. I do not think of him often, I forget that he is gone, dead, lost. I loved him very, very much. My young, unspoiled heart aches still. Was he the last?

Nedjelja/ Sunday

2009-12-27T02:33:00.006+01:00

Slagaćemo godine šutnje:
Jednu na drugu.
A na vrh zastavu
Prolaznosti. 

Blue

2009-12-12T23:11:00.013+01:00

I cannot see

except a dead sea

of bitter tears

remorse

sadness

deadness 

Albatros

2009-12-12T23:07:00.002+01:00

Sentimental mood

2009-12-07T22:33:00.006+01:00

Pjesma je ovo Magdalene Camargo Lemieszek. Ne znam jezik, ali razumijem. I ja često želim slušati blues u sitne sate u nekom baru, s čašom Jack Danielsa u ruci, s tankim cigarillosom na dohvat ruke i prepustiti se tužnom, teškom sentimentu. 

Toda la noche blues.

Toda la noche magnolias en tu cuerpo.

Toda la noche espero.

A tientas el whisky y los cigarros

se llevan lejos mis espectros.

Azules, azules.

Azules los trenes, los espejos.

Azules cada una de mis voces.

Azules los espero.

Pozivam za svjedoka vrijeme, početak i svršetak svega

2009-12-02T00:39:00.008+01:00

Pozivam za svjedoka vrijeme, početak i svršetak svega - da je svaki čovjek uvijek na gubitku*

I call as a witness Time, the beginning and the end of everything - that every man is always at loss*

Prazna sam posuda koja će vjerojatno ostati prazna do smrti. Jadna sam i žalosna, ali ne mogu se nikome požaliti - zato svima pričam glupe priče, glumim, lažem, skrivam. Nikada, nikada nisam imala nekog kome bih mogla sve reći. Dio velim svojem sinu, dio svojoj kćeri, ali ne želim ih opterećivati. Divni su ljudi i obožavam ih. Bolji su od mene, toliko bolji, i to me usrećuje. Barem nešto da sam napravila kako treba, ali – da li je to zaista moja zasluga??? Voljela bih misliti da je, a ipak, mislim da su oni takvi sami po sebi, nemam ja tu puno zasluge. Jedino biće koje me ne sudi, ocjenjuje i voli bez zadrške je moj Erin i strašno se bojim dana kada ga više neće biti, a taj se dan neumitno približava. Bože, u kojeg ne vjerujem, kako sam nesretna.

*Iz Kur-ana, iz Derviša i smrti

*From  Kur-an, from "The Dervish and the Death"

Danas je takav dan/ Today is one of those days

2009-11-17T12:32:00.004+01:00

San o bijegu / Dreaming of escape

2009-10-21T12:19:00.012+02:00

Opet sam počela sanjati o bijegu. Putujem Amerikom. Moje mirno mjesto  me čeka. Toplina, žuto lišće, neka davna vremena kada smo bili na okupu. Fali mi G. Moj dio mladosti. Svjedok. Tko je tada mislio da će sve završiti kako je završilo?

Jesen, opet/ Fall, again

2009-10-03T09:44:00.010+02:00

Meku toplinu podneva i vjetar, to najviše volim u ove jesenje dane. Sve je puno lišća koje šušti pod nogama. Oduvijek sam voljela toplinu u vrijeme kada bi trebalo biti hladno. Kao da se nalazim negdje drugdje, a ne u dosadnoj svakodnevnici. 

Ova jesen je,kako izgleda, tipična, malograđanska, uobičajena. Ništa posebno ne očekujem i ničemu posebno ne veselim se. Komotno ili žalosno? Ali, veli se da ne treba priželjkivati ono što ti se može obiti u glavu. Pa dobro!

When I'm through....

2009-09-30T09:41:00.004+02:00

Uvijek isti osjećaj/ Always the same feeling

2009-08-18T11:37:00.009+02:00

Slažem fotografije koje nisu u albumima, a takvih je jako puno. Gledajući neke od njih, ponovno se osjećam kao na njima, pamtim osjećaje, mirise, misli, stanja, vrijeme. No, iako sam sada već stara, iako imam iskustva, iako sam promišljenija, svejedno stalno, uporno, tinjaju isti osjećaji kao kada mi je bilo 16, 17, 18 godina. Ponavlja se isti obrazac samo ako ima priliku! Što nije dobro jer i sada očekujem veliku ljubav, obožavanje, ljepotu, sve bez kompromisa. A to je, sada nemoguće. Razumski, to znam. Emocionalno, to ne prihvaćam. Još uvijek će me ponijeti raspoloženje, stih, muzika, sentiment..... Kada počinjemo starjeti i toga postajemo svjesni, nitko ne kaže da ćemo do smrti zadržati najbolji dio šesnaestogodišnje duše. Stalno čujemo kako bismo se morali ponašati u skladu s godinama, ali da li je prozirna hippy haljina, duga, raspuštena kosa i ponoćna šetnja dio toga ili je to neprimjereno? Ali, kada osjetim topli vjetar u kosi, moja duša se ispuni, sretna sami i sjetna odjednom i drukčija. Mislim da to nije vrijedno zanemariti kako bih bila "primjerena" godinama. Nakon dugo vremena odlučila sam pustiti kosu - za mene je ona oduvijek bila važni dio moje (mlade) osobnosti.

Spodoba

2009-07-28T15:37:00.005+02:00

Više ga nema. Još jedna osoba prošlosti koju više nikada neću vidjeti. Ovih dana sjećam se takvih ljudi u svojem životu. Prolazim pokraj prijateljičine zgrade, vidim isti onaj balkon na kojem smo znale sjediti popodne i pričati o onome o čemu pričaju osnovnoškolke. Poslije, pričale smo o već malo ozbiljnijim stvarima. Žalosno je kada nema tih nekih starih prijatelja, znanaca ili ljubavnika. Iako se možda u ovom životu nismo slagali ili smo bili posvađani, svejedno je čudno što mogu biti potpuno sigurna da se više nikada nećemo vidjeti. Okrenuti glavu, prijeći na drugu stranu ulice.

Savršeni stranac/ Perfect stranger

2009-07-28T15:36:00.020+02:00

Jutra mirišu na jesen, ali ne još onu pravu. Sanjah te noćas. Probudila sam se ni tužna ni sretna nakon toga. Već jako dugo ne činiš me ni tužnom ni sretnom: to žalim. Žalim za onim intenzitetom osjećaja, makar bolnih, ali jakih, sirovih, nesputanih.... Lagodno je živjeti u kolotečini svakodnevice, u ustajalim vodama stalno istih dana. Komotno je, ugodno, ali dosadno, neživotno, pomalo zatupljujuće. Koliko god je život na rubu u konačnici užasno iscrpljujući, toliko je .....potreban. Barem meni. Ovako sam  emocionalno uspavana, ako ne i mrtva. No ne vidim tko i što bi me sada pokrenulo. Tebe više ne mogu ni zamisliti. Postao si savršeni stranac.

A jesen će/ And fall is comming

2009-07-28T15:36:00.019+02:00

Prekriveni prahom
Leže ogarci ljeta.
Azuri neba i mirisi mora.
Tvoji dodiri i moje tijelo.
Jesenjava.

Kuća iz snova/ My dream house

2009-07-28T15:35:00.005+02:00

Godinama, od kada znam za sebe, želim određenu vrstu kuće. Kada se je rodio ovaj san o savršenoj kući? Da li one zime u Grčkoj, u Sounionu? Ili kasnije? Kadkada ju ugledam u nekom filmu, samo dio nje kakvu želim. Jedino u što sam sigurna je to da nikada neću imati svoju kuću. Već dugo imam jednu drugu, koja je isto moja, u koju sam uložila puno sebe, u kojoj sam ja.... Pa ipak, san o mojoj kući još je uvijek tu.

Moja kuća nije na kat. Moja kuća nalazi se na osami, na litici iznad nekog mora. Razvedena je, bijela izvana i iznutra. Francuski prozori okrenuti su prema terasi i moru. Podovi su od hrastovog parketa. Nema tapeta. Nema puno namještaja, osim najnužnijih komada. Nema puno ukrasa, osim slika. Nema tabletića, pepeljara, svijećnjaka, vaza, ukrasnih figurica i sličnih stvari. Sve je bijelo. Zavjese su duge, tako da se povlaće podom, bijele, muslinske. Svi okovi na vratima i prozorima su mesingani. Nema rezanog cvijeća, tu i tamo koja zelena biljka u bijeloj tegli. Koja cvjetnica. To je moja kuća u kojoj je sve dobro ozvučeno, kuća za glazbu i užitak, u kojoj hodam bosa. Moja haljina je grimizni saten, kosa mi je duga i godine stoje. Nema prošlosti, nema budućnosti. Dani vjetra, soli i mora. Nemoguće, ali vrijedno snova.

Moja iskrena ljubav

2009-07-28T15:34:00.013+02:00

Veli mi on voli me jedinu i poljubi moju ruku. Zelena je bila livada i on je tada slomio vrh svog kišobrana.
Legli smo na borove iglice i šutjeli dugo i gledali borovo nebo dugo. Zatim reče mi on voli me jedinu i poljubi moje usne. Nebo se zatvorilo.

Should I go, or should I stay?

2009-07-28T15:33:00.003+02:00

Nakon nekoliko godina idem na more. Cres. Nije ljetovanje iz snova. Moje ljeto iz snova je na gotovo pustom otoku. Samo more, sunce, dobre knjige, vino, kruh, sir i masline. No, moderna tehnologija ne voli Robinzone. Znači, više ne bih mogla bez: mobitela, laptopa, Interneta, televizije.... Toliko sam voljna pustiti svijet u osamu, ali više kao nekakvu mogućnost, ne i stvarnu potrebu. I sada ću nositi lap iako nema šanse da budem na netu, pitanje je koliko ću se efektivno njime koristiti, no tu je kao backup bez kojega ne mogu. To je kao rezervni par cipela koje ustvari nikada ne nosite. Ali je dobar osjećaj da znate da su tu, zlu ne trebalo!

Radujem se mirisima mora, vrućini, cvrčcima.....A opet bih najradije ostala kod kuće, uživala u jutrima uz kavu i knjigu u vrtu, slušala ptičju kokafoniju.... Uvijek je tako: should I go, or should I stay?

Meni si sve, meni si san/ You are everything to me, you are my dream

2009-07-28T15:32:00.013+02:00

Izranjaju, tiho i magličasto, oni dani proljeća kada sam bila tako mlada. Onaj veliki, paučinasti, grm žutike cvate još uvijek, divno cvate. I pupovi breza zadržavaju meke kaplje noćne kiše, još uvijek. Na tren stanem s mislima i gledam nekuda u daljinu godina što hitaju i hitaju, bez zaustavljanja; to žalim. Tamo negdje stojimo ti i ja: zbunjeni i sami, u mraku, u proljeću.

Flashback, ljeto 2005

2009-07-28T15:27:00.004+02:00

Znaš, da smo mlađi, rekla bih – moguće je vratiti naš odnos na ono prije 95-e. Ali nismo. Osjećam da nemam vremena kliziti površinom odnosa (sa svima i svih vrsta). 

Sve ono što smo imalio nije bilo ni lijepo ni banalno. Ti si tada, neželjeno, bio čovjek kojeg sam oduvijek čekala. Misliš - klišej, ali istine jedino i mogu postati klišei.

Ili je nešto pravo ili nije, ponovno vjerujem idu, previše je bilo ega.

Čovjek kojeg sam davno voljela, umro je. Zadnji puta sam ga srela u vlaku kojim sam se vraćala od tebe, puna tvoga tijela i mirisa, glupo sretna, ne sluteći ništa, u ljeto 95-e. Slučaj nas je spojio nakon više od 10 godina, u tom vlaku. On nije bio ni pjesnik, ni slikar, nikakva umjetnička duša, ali mi je u dvije minute i s nekoliko riječi, ponovno rekao koliko me je volio, koliko bi me mogao ponovno voljeti. On je to znao, a ti to ne znaš ili ne želiš ili ne želiš priznati ni sam sebi. Shame on you, jer glupo je, jeftino i nepotrebno formalno  rukovati se i poljubit kao prijatelji koji nikada nismo i nećemo biti. Mislim da smo ipak debelo beyond isprazne kurtoazije.

Noći u kišama/ Nights in the rain

2009-07-28T15:24:00.012+02:00

Kiše tekućice prekriše me noćima htijenja.
Izvih tijelo u dahu jasmina i pustih se kapima.
Htjedoh čekati te na pragu usana,
ali drhtaj me sjeti
da me više ne želiš.